Anne nods again, keeping close watch on Bev as if she might slip and fall. Anne knows too well the possibility. Not a fall anyone would see, but something that happens on the interior, behind the eyes. Bev is holding on as hard as she can. Trying to convince herself. Anne can hear it, see it, feel it.
"I've seen a lot of men die," she says after a moment, not sure it's the right thing, but having little else to draw on. "Been at my hand more often than not. Don't know if they all deserved it. Most probably did. Maybe I did, too. But most times it was just them or me. I never thought much of it. It was just the way things were."
She draws a breath and lets it out again slowly. Her gaze has drifted from Bev now, fixed instead on the middle distance toward the water, but she doesn't let go the kid's hand. She hasn't really talked about this to anyone, not even Greta.
"Only time it scared me... Only time I really forgot myself... it was a mistake. Not an accident. Worse." She can't go into detail. Doesn't know how, isn't right when she's meant to be comforting Bev. She huffs out a heavy sigh and says, "I know what that feels like. Don't remember it well, but remember everything that came after. I was scared of what I did. The consequences. Didn't act out of fear, just anger. That scared me more than anything."
Finally she looks at Bev again, a small sliver of nervousness working its way into her composure, like this might change things. These people aren't easy about murder and she tries to hide that she is. But it's all she has to share.
"What you did wasn't a mistake. You protected yourself. Probably others too. You kept yourself in the world and you took something else out that didn't belong in it. That's not something you should ever have to do. It's not something you were prepared to do. That's why it hurts so much right now. But I'm telling you that you'll weather it. And I'm glad you did what you did."
no subject
"I've seen a lot of men die," she says after a moment, not sure it's the right thing, but having little else to draw on. "Been at my hand more often than not. Don't know if they all deserved it. Most probably did. Maybe I did, too. But most times it was just them or me. I never thought much of it. It was just the way things were."
She draws a breath and lets it out again slowly. Her gaze has drifted from Bev now, fixed instead on the middle distance toward the water, but she doesn't let go the kid's hand. She hasn't really talked about this to anyone, not even Greta.
"Only time it scared me... Only time I really forgot myself... it was a mistake. Not an accident. Worse." She can't go into detail. Doesn't know how, isn't right when she's meant to be comforting Bev. She huffs out a heavy sigh and says, "I know what that feels like. Don't remember it well, but remember everything that came after. I was scared of what I did. The consequences. Didn't act out of fear, just anger. That scared me more than anything."
Finally she looks at Bev again, a small sliver of nervousness working its way into her composure, like this might change things. These people aren't easy about murder and she tries to hide that she is. But it's all she has to share.
"What you did wasn't a mistake. You protected yourself. Probably others too. You kept yourself in the world and you took something else out that didn't belong in it. That's not something you should ever have to do. It's not something you were prepared to do. That's why it hurts so much right now. But I'm telling you that you'll weather it. And I'm glad you did what you did."